A Test Match At Cardiff

Ashes 2009

Australia is playing a test match at Cardiff, whereas England is playing a hypothesis - actually a complex compound of different hypotheses fused into one - developed by observing on television various teams mauling Australia, and recently honed by playing a series of matches against one team - an interested West Indies in West Indies and a disintersted West Indies in England.

The parts of the compound hypothesis are 1) Australia are on the decline and the Roos are easy meat for the pride of lions and 2) England have developed a fantastic bowling attack. It is quite another matter that teams have struggled hard to beat Australia and they know it is still a fight. Also, England's bowling prowess selectively includes performances to form a basis. The final component is 3) England have transformed into a world beating team following the complete anhilation of West Indies in all forms and aspects recently at home. Let's ignore the 51 all out in the Caribbeans earlier on a flat docile typically neo-caribbean pitch for the purposes of discussion and stick to England bowlers scattering the cold, homesick and forlon Windians.

Ponting may be everybody's bunny these days but England's. At Cardiff he knocked up a familiar Ashes hundred.

The "useless" bowling attack of Australia somehow managed to bowl out England in good time on a flat track. We shall hear of the "real reasons" of how and why soon enough....just as we did after the one-off 51 all out and too many more instances to keep track of.

The five-prong ace bowling unit of England have yet to progress beyond the fifth wicket and 628 runs have leaked past. Just a small matter of chance that...the Roos lucked out. Ashoka de Silva? Billy Doctrove? Must be something there to explain it all...

One could go on...the Australians were supposed to tumble like pins and leak runs like sphincterless bladders...everything in this test series indicates England's approach to be such...in contrast, Australia has been anything but that.

So there is only one team playing test cricket here and it is very boring to see another drubbing in the making. And without the likes of Warne in the Ozzie camp! and on a batsman's pitch which is only now helping the English bowlers!

Talking about boredom and Warney - The Wizard used to spin tails aroud the urn.

He owned it.

Warne spun the most fascinating of his dreams around the English circuit....especially the Ashes.

It was here that he was able to get full worth for all the imagination he employed. There wasn't a Sachin or Sidhu or Inzy to tonk him around like a rag doll and mask his innovativeness.

As a result, viewers got to see methods around the bat and pads they could never imagine.

Anticipation hung in the air permanently when he bowled for the Ashes, like the cloudy breath of Himalayan dragons sitting atop unseen peaks.

I always enjoyed Warney bowl...often, sitting in front of an Ashes screen, I tried to anticipate the kind of ball he'd be bowling and imagine I was the batsman. Invariably, I'd always guess correctly, be in the right place at the right time, and deposit the ball into my account in the stands....then I'd hear the clataaaax or Healy/Gilly yelling away and the dream would pop.

I miss that kind of Ashes pasttime today.

You can bet your last pound that England will only rise to land a punch when it is fruitless...when the series is lost and nothing's to be gained from it. That is if Australia budge to give them an inch. I do not think the Ozzies are so punchdrunk as to give the Englishmen that comfort on the same ledge yet.

We gotta see this mismatch for the next...how many weeks?

Boring as hell..placid pitches, one hoss matches, mediocre bowling/captaincy/attitude from other...and not one like Warney to dilute the ennui. I shudder to cover it on a day to day basis...to write about the same old hackneyed play, fielding positions, tactics and result! The same old useless singing in the aisles which achieves nothing and one cannot even decipher over the television. Michael Atherton "forward press"-ing us often from the commie box, Beefy beefing, Bumble bumbling, Nasser gnashing over the looooong batting line-up now...five strong cups of coffee since play began today for me already ....the fun of Ashes! Gatritis!

Some serious magic required to revive the Ashes for viewers outside UK and Oz. Bring on Warney!

What I now await is which of these two batsmen will retire to allow Mitch Johnson come in and fire a quick hundred in 10 overs or so. You see, so far back has England receded from the optimism built over the past two years that it may be extremely difficult now for them to come back into the match.

Fourth hundred of the innings - Haddin records his trophy! Well done Brad Haddin...at least he tries to keep things interesting with his methods.

What a five-man bowling faculty! Absolutely the very best of the entire cricketing world we were told.

Pickney Broad? He bowled short, shorter and shortest...but he no accountable to anyone.

Oh, I know what it will be...it was that Welsh anthem at the start of the Ashes. Have you ever heard of such a thing in an Ashes series? And an Ashes match at Cardiff? No wonder the 2009 series went swirling down River Taff and into the Severn estuary.

Here is England wobbling to a team others are fancying their chances against! Bring on the two-tier system of test cricket I say! The multi-tiered one would be better!

Maybe England could yank Beefy out from behind that microphone and put him up there in the centre to give a practical demonstration of how to cock a snook at the Ozzies singlehandedly.